Compensate...

But... my desire to over-share comes from an insecure need to compensate or to ground myself & to study the world.
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I share my weaknesses with others in order to appear more transparent, honest, real, so others can relate to me more. I don't want to appear too fake.
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I also compensate by turning my life into a soap opera because I don't play one on TV. I'm sort of like a drama queen. I want to people to learn lessons from my life like people learned from episodes of Full House (which I'm binging or binge watching now).
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Sometimes, I scare people away from me.
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But I can find out who my real friends are that way. I sort of have that habit of filtering people away through the things I do in my life for better and for worse, purposely and sometimes accidentally.
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But, as I get older, I do some of this less. I've been changing a little bit each year.
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Less is more & better. That is true. Quality over quantity.
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I lived with Dad in 2011 & 2012 & that was not a problem, emotionally speaking. I was able to get to know him more. I understand him. I look like him. I can learn from his strengths & weaknesses. He will always be part of who I am. I came from & appreciate the good and the bad, the ying and yang of that.
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Living with Dad is not a problem. Living with Dad is good for me.
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But it may not be what is best & that is part of the reason why I went to Vietnam.
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Long story short, I somehow ended up living back at home with Dad in 2011.
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I don't know if that was a mistake, but I do know that happened, like most things in my life.
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I can't always say which things are mistakes or what. But regardless, good things came from my time with Dad for those 2 years before Vietnam.
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Oprah could have stayed on NBC. Seinfeld could have continued. But it was time for them to move on to better things.
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It may have been time for me to move on to better things.
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Maybe, I could buy a house in Forest Grove. But I would first move back in with Dad as a step towards that. I could live the rest of my life in my hometown.
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What can I focus on in my life?
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I can do a little bit of construction. I'm not sure how much or how long I could endure physical labor jobs, the kinds of jobs that Dad does.
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Yes, I want to make educational entertainment, via videos, blogs, & so on.
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I think I should simply find some kind of day job. I can try my best to make money, live a simple life, & find ways to find time for my hobbies....
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2016-01-29 Fri 2 AM